The Christian

Epistemic status: FICTION

I used to think I was middle-class. Then I saw this statistic that said I'm in the "one percent". Now I'm all confused. I really thought that was only rich people. What I mean is, I didn't think I was rich. I didn't think I was a capitalist.

The way I see it, the bad thing about being rich is that it means now you're exploiting the poor people. I don't want to exploit anybody. I didn't think I was, to be honest. What I mean is: I want my relationship to poor people and normal people to still be very genuine. That's why I've made a plan:

I am going to love everybody in the world, like a Christian.

I've been trying that for a few weeks now. The problem is, it's impossibly hard. Well, part of the problem is that I'm lazy. I keep meaning to get a Bible to figure out the details. But I know the important part is loving others. If I can get that down, I know I can maintain a harmonious relationship with humanity.

But the solution? It's tricky. I sit by my pool and think about everybody I know and try to love them. I start by imagining my parents. I picture the love like it's pink and coming out of my heart. It doesn't really work. The thing is, they weren't really lovable (I think that probably isn't a Christian thought). I try to imagine my friends but by then I'm all addled, thinking about my mother hitting my ear and how it would ring forever. I can't think about love, I just think about my bad ear.

Then I think I should start over, start with somebody without all the baggage. I imagine a stranger. I should probably imagine all sorts of people but I always imagine the same stranger. He runs a convenience store in Germany and he's an immigrant. He has two daughters who make fun of him even though he works very hard. He dotes on his wife and when he sees beautiful women he looks away. He is fifty but he looks young.

I imagine this man and I think he has a good soul. I'm ready to start loving him as a representative for humanity. I imagine my love coming out pink from my heart… But it doesn't happen. I respect him. I respect his values. I don't love him. It's all very frustrating.

I suppose I could pay a priest to come over and explain how to do it. But honestly, I bet I don't have the money for it. That's part of what's so confusing. I thought being rich would mean having more money. I feel selfish just saying that.

Do you have any ideas? I try sending my love every night before bed and it makes my head all fuzzy. I'm not that good at work anymore, I'm too worried about how I'm exploiting the proletarians. To be honest, I think I might get fired soon, and then I suppose I'll be in the bottom one percent. Won't that be ironic!

Anyway, I don't expect you to have solutions. Just please send me your love.